Cami 10/22/23 Cami 10/22/23

Relationships: Beware Gaslighting

This isn’t a blog to explore the how, the what, the what-to-do with respect to gaslighting. Remember I’m not a psychologist or a therapist, just an author who’s done a bit of research for their book (Here’s a link to a resource written by someone more in-the-know than I am). The purpose of this blog is to consider gaslighting in terms of the “everyday” relationship. Ultimately, this sinister form of manipulation culminates when the victim questions their sanity, but that’s not how gaslighting begins.

Relationships are tricky creatures from the get-go. Typically two people with distinct personalities are working to come together and maintain a bond. This is difficult for two people with completely healthy approaches to relationships and communication. Add complicating factors like mental health issues, trauma and/or abuse, addictions, different perspectives, varied life experiences, so on and so forth, and the playing field went from being rolling hills to the Rocky Mountains.

Gaslighting, then, is one of those insidious tools used between partners to manipulate the other’s emotions. Like the love bomb, it isn’t necessarily something that is easily identifiable, especially when trust has been established in a relationship and if you aren’t sure what to look for. Here’s an example of how gaslighting might look in a typical relationship:

Let’s pretend you’ve had the feeling that your partner isn’t being completely honest with you about what they’ve been doing. Your spidey-senses are tingling, so you decide it's time to ask about some things you’ve noticed, at least to calm your insecurities. When you ask your partner about the late nights and the strange hushed phone call from the other night, your partner twists your questions back on you as if what you’ve made are accusations, and suddenly you’re being accused of being a liar. That perhaps you’re “making up '' mysterious phone calls and accusing your partner of being late because you’re doing something wrong while they’re away. Your partner might say, “Guilty people make accusations about what they’re doing wrong to deflect, afterall.” Your partner’s guilt trip about your lack of trust and oversensitivity throws you off since that’s not what your intentions were. Right? Maybe your partner is right. You struggle to recalibrate your thoughts, because what started as just a conversation to “clear the air” has you defending yourself, doubting your intentions and your feelings, along with doubting your instincts.

The thing is, even normal, everyday, regular people can deploy a “gaslight”. This isn’t only a tool of the shady or the narcissist or the sociopath. It is a learned tool—a form of avoidance and deflection—which makes it important to be able to identify one and call the behavior out immediately. In The Messy Truth About Love, Hannah’s ex-boyfriend used this technique, calling her “over-sensitive” and “dramatic”. The awful thing about persistent gaslighting even in a “typical” relationship is the ugly way it preys on beliefs about self, feeding on insecurities and forcing those wounds to grow and fester.

If your partner uses this tool, it's important to call it out for what it is. You might need help with this, so find help! And if your situation is abusive, seek help immediately.

Cami 11/16/22 Cami 11/16/22

Book Hangover List

Tomorrow is my birthday. When I was little, I loved my birthday. My parents made it magical. Ask anyone, and one of the first things out of my mouth was the date of my birthday. My cousins loved to tease me because I always said it backwards (at least in the US). “When’s your birthday ,Cam?” they’d ask. “Seventeen November,” I’d answer. I still love my birthday, though as an adult, I don’t struggle to go to sleep the night before excited about presents. Truthfully, now I wouldn’t mind the clock slowing down because I realize how much quicker each birthday arrives.

Speaking of gifts, one of my favorite things to receive are books. So to celebrate, I thought I would share with you the books that have given me a book hangover. You know those books that when you close the cover after the final page, you sit in silence. And sometimes, it’s even hard to move forward, since you’re walking around in that story fog as it lingers. In no particular order, these are books I read that left me reeling in some way (needing a debrief) so that I had to pick up a book in a different genre to read something else.

So in no particular order:

Marcus Zusak’s Bridge of Clay (OMG! I love this book.)
Carlos Ruiz Zaffon’s Shadow of the Wind (Pure magic.)
Sabaa Tahir’s Ember in the Ashes quartet. (The last one is A Sky Beyond the Storm. But I reread the series. Read the whole thing again. Seriously.)
Khaled Hosseini’s The Kite Runner (Dear God… ugly cried.)
Jennifer Niven’s Breathless (Closed the book and felt empowered. My life finally made sense. )
Jeff Zenter’s In a Wild Light (Every book by Jeff Zentner has given me a book hangover. He has this way of capturing character and then they worm their way into your heart.)
Fredrick Backman’s A Man Called Ove (They’re making a movie of this one. I loved it so much.)
TJ Klune’s The House in the Cerulean Sea (Amazing characters and humor? Can’t go wrong.)
Emily Henry’s Book Lovers (*sigh.)
Mary E Pearson’s Dance of Thieves Duology. (I think about this story all the time. Like I’ll just be washing dishes and think about Kazi and Jase and wonder about their story.)
Rebecca Roanhorse Black Sun (One of the best fantasy novels I’ve read.)
V.E. Schwab’s Darker Shade of Magic (I remember being in awe when I read this. I was just shocked at how perfect this was).

I could add to this list, but it’s what I’ve got for now. Let me know if any of yours are on this list. Or better yet tell me one that isn’t so I can add it to my ever growing TBR.

Cami 2/17/21 Cami 2/17/21

Character Speaks: Dear Sam, from Seth

From Sam (October 2019)

“…When I read, I often think of music that fits the situation […] for this little zine piece, [this is the music] I associated with Seth’s character.”

Dear Sam,

WTF?!? You took the time to make that cool zine? (What’s a zine anyway?) I can barely bring myself to work on my homework, and as you already know, my art consists of ripping up colored paper for a mosaic project. Paper, destruction, and glue. Sounds about right. I’m impressed by what you’ve made!

I listened to all the songs you suggested. Moody, monstrous, heartfelt are words that come to mind and for real, that was me, then. I think my favorite track is “If You Want Love” by NF. The pictures sort of hit me hard, you know, like I needed a trigger warning, but frick, my life then needed a trigger warning. Everything was so messed up. I think your art reflects the pain of that time. I’ve put your work somewhere safe, because I don’t want to take for granted my life. Ever. I can take out the zine and remember where I’ve been and what I’ve survived, you know?

The Ugly Truth is a story that feels so far removed from who I am now. Granted, it’s taken a lot of things to change. My parents separated after all that went down, but they agreed to therapy both together and on their own. I did too. Dad’s still sober, and they got back together during my senior year. Did you know we moved away from Cantos after I graduated? I’m in college now, and I’ve been through a few different therapists, but now I’m seeing this lady named Dr. Bethany. She calls me out all the time. I hate it and I love it. Does that make sense? She’s awesome.

It’s weird to think that my story connected to someone else, meant something. Makes it feel like sharing it was “right”. I guess that’s what stories are for, though. Connecting?

“Thanks for taking the time” seems like a trite way to say “thanks”, for this amazing effort of creativity on your part, but I do mean it. The zine is super cool. Really cool. I’m super stoked that I get to share it with others.

Keep surfing (whatever it is you surf), Sam.

Peace,

Note from the Author: Don’t forget to submit your letter, question for a character by February 22! You may be featured in the coming weeks. Email me or click the link to this FORM.